Intimacy

I miss intimacy.
A few months ago, the biggest relationship I ever had ended. It was bad for some time, like it always is when you try to salvage something that's already over, and then we cut it clean, and then it was all better, all finer. It taught me a lot. The relationship in itself, and the break-up.

And the thing is, I'm a sucker for love (which is... yeah, a weird way to put it). I read romance fanfictions, there's always a bit of love in what I write, it's a fascinating subject to think about, I watch girl movies (and tv-shows), ... I'm all about it. Funny thing, 'cause I'm not even sure I've ever been in love. I love the idea of it. But I'm not convinced that the only time I felt in love, I wasn't actually pretending very well, and fooling everyone including myself.
So I spend my time surounded by disgusting amounts of love. And I realised it a couple of weeks ago, while reading a fanfiction. Character A kissed character B on the neck. He remembered B liked it from the one night they had spent together a long time ago, maybe a few months or a year. And I felt that weird little pang in my chest, that I easily recognised : envy. It was kinda hot, of course, but it wasn't turning me on like any good porn does. I just felt like I wanted that, I wanted to have to learn what someone likes and dislikes, to map them, and to be learnt and mapped myself.

My last relationship was fulfilling in many ways, but the sex could have been better. There wasn't a lot of mapping or imagination. My fiancé (yup, we were engaged, bitch) was very straightforward, very "to the point", and there were a lot of stuff he didn't like being on the receiving end of and so didn't think about trying. I can relate to that, of course (I'm not into necrophilia, so I wouldn't ask a partner "Hey, when I'm done blowing you, what about we go dig up a corpse and have our wicked way with it ?"), but I wish he had been more caring about stuff I liked. He would bend himself backward to please me, but only in ways he could understand. (And now I sounf like a terrible person, right ? Like my fiancé wasn't good enough because he didn't bother to read my mind to find out that I like having my fingertips sucked... the sonovabitch !)
And I miss... having more than just that. I'd like to have someone to discover, reactions to index, data to collect, a whole body to learn by heart. And I'd like what those two characters had. Someone who cares enough to try and find out what I like, where are my buttons and how to push them. Someone who'd care enough to remember, even after a few months, that kissing just above my collarbone makes me shiver all over.

It's silly, really, because I really am a loner. I don't usually need other people, I'm perfectly content with myself. I don't even want a steady relationship, I don't care about how long it lasts. Nothing lasts forever anyway. I'd just like... intimacy.
(14/08/13)